Bachelor Lunch
Crazy Tasty
Once again I’m camping with a group of friends in the farthest suburbs of Los Angeles. Nevada, in fact.
I carpool with my buddy Miguel. The two of us are attempting five days
on the astronaut Diet. This “Low Residue” diet will theoretically
minimize visits to the port-o-potties. Nevada port-o-potties rank
consistently low in national customer satisfaction polls. This is
confirmed by our prior harsh experience.
The astronaut diet requires zero (or near-zero) dietary fiber. This
means processed food. Selected by consulting the helpful “Nutrition
Facts Label” on the can. This label is all you need to read to become
an Astronaut-in-training.
My picks span the basic food groups. From the “Meat” group I select
Costco canned chicken chunks. From the “Artificially Sweetened” group,
I take Crystal-Light powdered grapefruit beverage concentrate. And
from the “Old people’s Food” group, I go for Ensure™ high protein
shakes. (An excellent source of dietary Selenium!)
This is admittedly not much variety for five days. But Ensure™ flows
forth from Abbot Laboratories in a variety of delicious flavors,
including Homemade Vanilla, Creamy Milk Chocolate, and Wild Berry. And
the Wild Berry is just what you need when the mid-day sun robs you of
the strength – and the will – to chew.
Crystal-Light grapefruit is not bad either. The flavor is powerful
enough to fully mask the nasty taste of a plastic canteen. And the
color, though frighteningly fluorescent-bright, doesn’t leave visible
stains. Provided you only spill it onto tie-dye.
Costco canned chicken also wins my recommendation, but with a warning:
The cans aren’t solidly packed. There’s a substantial amount of
super-salty chicken broth in there. Again, in the blazing desert, this
broth is just what the doctor ordered. Combined with sufficient water,
it’ll help prevent heatstroke. So it’s great for desert camping. But
if you’re undertaking a major food-hoarding program, you can probably
make a better choice. Look for a higher caloric density if you’re
seriously stocking-up for nuclear Armageddon, economic collapse, or the
prophesied tribulation.
But the real find is Miguel’s selection from the meat category. The
new SPAM™ has 25% less sodium, and now incorporates bird flesh. The
front of the can carries a “Crazy Tasty!” logo, and the back includes a
helpful SPAM™ slicing guide. Thickness is measured between
“Infant-size” and “Linebacker-size.”
We fry this stuff up and it’s the hit of the camp. Everyone talks up
“Crazy Tasty” SPAM™ while the Margaritas flow. Afternoon wanes into
evening as Miguel and I bask in our culinary triumph.
-The Bachelor
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