Homemade Veggie Burgers
On January 10, 2007, we conducted a proud contest to find the best
homemade veggie burger recipe.* In the months preceding, our office was
flooded with hundreds of submissions. It took us weeks to read through
each recipe and to determine the top five recipes. The final
contestants competed in our veggie burger grill-off, vying for the
coveted prize of a sack of corn-meal - a key ingredient for all veggie
burgers (FYI for all you vegan food-neophytes). This fierce competition
included profanity, broken bones, beer consumption, blood, sweat and
tears, all followed by a wet T-shirt contest. The grand-prize winner is
Phil van Hest, a fine American. Phil chose to write his
prize-winning recipe while inebriated. Recipe below, with
translation to follow:
Homemade Veggie Burgers (Vegan)
Recipe makes 6-8 patties, under $5 total.
A’ight folks, here’s what you are going to need:
1 Can Black Beans (Drained/Rinsed) 1 1/2 cups frozen corn (Thawed)
1 cup Corn Meal (Wanna freak out on the health tip? Sub Flax Seed Meal. What now?!?)
small Yellow Onion. (Ok, get a red one. Get a white one. I’m not gonna
cry. Yellow ones are just usually the smallest. Go ahead. Turn it into
a racist comment- that’ll be your own prejudices and stereotypes being
projected onto my recipe. That’s right. Feel
Here are your optionals: ANYTHING.
2-3 Dashes of Cumin. That’s right.
1 Tbsp Brown Sugar/Maple Syrup. You heard me! Maple Syrup bitches!!
Several splashes of Tabasco, Tapatío, Random Hot Sauce with the wacky label whatever.
S & P to taste.
Ok look I’m not gonna bullshit you, these things have a "get messy"
mandate. (You use your hands to make them) However! They are
convenient in other soon to be mentioned ways and have been known to
cure gout, vapors, The Rheumatiz, and as any doctor will tell you; they
will help ease your transition from this life to the next. By
which of course I mean, they will kill you.
Oh relax for all you know I’m kidding. Here are some selling
points- SO CHEAP!! Each “burger” you make is like, dude, under a
buck. Easy. The recipe is completely vegan- that shit’ll store FOR.
EVER. (Possibly not literally) I just made one for dinner out of a
batch I mixed together almost two weeks ago. Still delicious. You know
how veggie burgers are usually kind of small and unsubstantial? You
wind up usually using two at a time? Well, You can make them any size
you want and Normal sized ones have defeated several of my friends’
attempts at consumption. Jes’ sayin’. They is FILLIN’ yo!
Ah, the fun part. Depending. Let's face it, humor is subjective. One persons “fun” is another persons "subpoena".
1. Anywho, you’re gonna wanna mince up that onion- like, for real man. Half ass the mincing at your own peril.
2. Put the thawed corn in a large bowl, dump the beans into a colander;
Rinse it! Drain it! Then pour them into the bowl with the corn.
3. Add the meal of your choice, chuck the MINCED onions in there and
add all your optionals. Using one or both hands, mash everything
into one big beanie paste. It should have roughly the consistency
of ground chuck. If you’re a life-long vegetarian or vegan for
whom the mere idea of ground chuck induces involuntary dry heaving with
a hint of bile at the back of your throat, and you don’t know what it
feels like squishing in between your fingers then let’s say…the
consistency of drying caulk. You like caulk?
Once you’ve mushed this all up on your own a couple times, feel free to
add whatever you want, peas carrots mushrooms spinach whatever.
Is that E-coli spinach alert still on? Alright, use any veggie
thing you want, UNLESS any one of those vegetables has recently been
deemed potentially fatal. Then may I suggest only eating that.
Seriously people overpopulation is a serious problem. America
should issue posterity licenses. "Are you a Toby Keith fan? If you
checked "yes" then, I'm sorry, no kids for you". Something simple like
that. Scratch that, it's a stupid idea. The government shouldn't
issue those things it would never work. I should issue them. You can
use this for tons of stuff. Form it into patties and fry ‘em, (Adding
Worcester sauce makes them both delicious and sometimes non-vegan.)
make ‘em into meat balls whatever. Throw some plastic wrap over the
bowl if you don’t use it all and you’ve got pre-made food for next
week. Secret Hint: To make these veggie burgers really sing, you can
never go wrong with bacon.
- Phil van Hest
van Hest Vegan Burger Recipe (Serves 6-8) translated
1 small onion
1 1/2 cups thawed frozen corn, or fresh
1 can black beans, rinsed and drained
1 cup cornmeal (optional substitution: flax seed meal)
1 teaspoon cumin
1 tablespoon brown sugar or maple syrup
Tabasco or tapatio to taste
Salt and pepper to taste
Mince onion. Set aside. Thaw corn and place in bowl. Add drained
beans to the corn. Add cornmeal and minced onions to the corn and
beans. Using both hands, combine the ingredients into one big bowl.
Consistency should be pasty. From into shape of hamburger patty
and fry or grill.
*Sorry, no such contest took place. But Phil is one of the best vegan burger cooks around.